Song for Zula

“Some say love is a burning thing..”

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat these last few days. And it wasn’t until now that i looked up the lyrics and found more meaning to it. I would sing along..enjoy the music..and then it hit me – i’ve been singing these words, words that felt so much for me. It’s funny how these things happen…

What a powerful song..so moving..

And me? I’ve been allowing life to unfold i guess. I am letting it all flow through me..the impermenance of it all..my stories and his..making room for the way it is rather than what i think it should be..tolerating what i cannot change within me..and him..realizing how much i want to run away..and just trying to breathe.

For now, i wanted to share this great song..it has been my solace.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/allsongs/2013/03/27/175400978/first-watch-phosphorescent-song-for-zula

 

 

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Only tomorrow leads my way

Run- Snow Patrol

Songs mark moments like its the soundtrack to my life. It’s as if I could pick a greatest hits playlist to describe what I’ve been through. And sometimes it’s about the words that mean so much or just the feeling it gives me through the melodies string together.

Music is the only thing that makes sense to me nowadays. It carries me through the long minutes and hours. And sometimes it overtakes me..

I wish I can just shut off the world. Walk around with my headphones on and just forget being grown up for awhile. This feeling is familiar and I guess that’s the part that is somewhat comforting. The loneliness and hurt has always been my friend. And like it or not, you can’t shut off the world. It forces you to get on with the show. There are no breaks or glorious signs that tell you that it’s all going to be ok. So you let the songs take the feelings that you don’t want to feel, the words that are hard to say and just breath it in for that 3 minutes or so that it plays for…because every song ends and a new one begins right after it.

There are no answers to the pain and heartache that life throws at you. There is only the moments of peace and quiet after the rush of pain subdues. That’s the feeling to look forward to. That’s the feeling I will hold on to through the pain.

For now, ill plug in my hit playlist and hold on to the moments when it stops hurting.

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The road is life

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life. – Jack Kerouac

What a great reminder…thanks to someone i follow fondly. Sometimes it’s hard to see what really matters at the end of the day. I guess it is unnatural not to find answers, or try to not fix things…because we are always working through something or working towards it. It’s hard to see that above all else, it is about the experience..the growth..those slow motion moments that only you can hold in your own space.

I think I often get caught up in trying to create the picture i want for myself that i lose sight of what it is i’m doing in the first place. What i’ve been doing and keep forgetting to do for myself. I forget that all of this is about the journey and not about the outcome. That no matter what happens, i am in it for the growth experience..to gain more life in real moments living. That if it’s meant to work, then the universe will unfold it so. And if it doesn’t, then i will figure out why someday. I am letting it all go and letting the road take me.

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What’s Real

A tribute to the gas line hysteria we are experiencing in NY, I am keeping myself occupied by blogging. While sitting patiently waiting for my turn at the gas pump, I wanted to sort through thoughts of feeling grounded. Especially in the aftermath of super-storm sandy, basic human needs are hard to come by nowadays and feeling grounded, though not a human need, becomes forefront. What does it mean to  feel grounded? To have power, heat, water, food…family, love etc? When chaos happens, how do you ground yourself? 

I think I make the mistake of trying to locate myself and my grounding through other people and things in mylife…when I have always known that is never the solution. I know that I have all of the bearings that I need within me. The idea of what is real, what is known by feeling first, by being lite, and just being is everything that should matter. I have a hard time listening to myself often. And tend to make up “selves” like a puzzle I’m trying to solve for. When the puzzle isn’t hard to figure out, it’s always the same with me. 

If I could only figure out a way to hold myself in what is real, and allow the universe to show me what I’m missing, perspective, my own light. 

 

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Working Progress

It feels like fall already..the air has a cold bite to it and no longer carries the hugs of warm summer goodness. And with the change felt in the air, i can’t help but feel a change in myself, in life in general.

I’ve been having interesting and particular conversations lately. Conversations that seem to focus on the concept of believing. Some say it’s easier to believe in nothing: or whichever idea that makes the most sense/what most people agree with.  That it’s harder to actually have conviction towards something that goes against the norm…because it actually means having to defend it in the face of  doubt. That many people “align” themselves with an idea to identify with…to help frame, make up their concept of self. But if you really think about it – to identify with an idea would only count if you act towards it or action it in some way. It’s not worth anything if you just say that you are this way, but you don’t “walk” that way and prove it…so i guess those that say that it is easier to believe in “nothing” might be right.

And i guess we wont really know what we believe in until it’s tested…until we have to make a choice to be brave and take a stance. Whether it’s intentionally staying on the fence or not.

And i guess if i would have to choose a side to be on, I’d want to part of the side that makes me feel most alive. The side that makes me so scared that I have to be brave because there’s no other way through it.

From everything that has been happening since, i think that’s the one thing that remains consistent. This feeling that keeps me on my toes, makes me want to stay in the moment, and holds me in place and throws me off at the same time – that moment of alive-ness. That has been there all along. If I could bottle it up, i would. But i guess the next best thing is try not to lose it.

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Belief in Fairy Dust

It’s hard for me to believe in something that isn’t tangible..in front of me..solid, like proof of evidence. That’s always been my problem. As much as I want to believe, there is a stronger part of me that just doesn’t and probably never will. The part of me that exist in the space of “in-between’s”… suspended in air in a timeless universe, knowing the ground beneath exist..

But just like the way we cannot enjoy the moon without having the sun show us the difference, we cannot remain flying without landing to know how good it can be.

Does it all really exist? What makes it non-existent? Can Neverland be real? And actually last? I have a feeling that I will wake up one day and understand what it means to be worlds apart. That part of me will know all the reasons I didn’t know now. And whether I’m just not cut out for Neverland or any land for that matter, I guess time will tell.

I’m inspired to stick with it. But somehow, that part of me doesn’t know any better.

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I’m only this far

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An ode to self: I haven’t been good to myself and I’m finally realizing that now – sadly. Better late than never, I guess? I thought I’d mark this point in time by dedicating a post to it. I don’t really know what pushed me to this moment but whatever it was, I’m glad it did. I will never be the same again. Frankly, I think that’s what I was trying to say to myself…and the world on some level. That this time is different. Yet, i’m only this far.

We are such complex creatures / minds…that it’s hard to say, really, that makes us do the things we do. But in a bizarre / twisted way, it’s also all very simple, right? We all want that thing that makes our world stop and start again.

I think though the best part of it is…the journey. My journey in finding a way to stay.

And maybe it means literally leaving, ironically….so that I can find a way through it. Sometimes the most unexpected thing can be exactly what breaks through the crap..the pattern. Now more than ever, it seems, I can understand it.

And because I’m only this far, I’m giving myself an extra push towards happiness. Because that’s the whole point.

And only tomorrow leads my way. – #41, DM

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